20 Funny Things Patients Have Ever Said To Nurses

Updated on
By Rozzette Cabrera, R.N.

#11. When the episiorrhaphy begins. “I want a CS, now!”

#12. Asking a 70-year old hospice resident what she needs: “Oh, honey. My husband died five years ago and I haven’t had a man since. That’s what I need!”


Patient: Do you want one of my cookies, Dear?
CNA: No, I don’t eat too many sweets, sorry.
Patient: Well fine then, you can lick me, I’m sour!

#14. I was assessing a female client and asked whether she was pregnant. She answered: “No ma’am. I got my administration right now.” She meant to say menstruation!

#15. “Scratch my balls”.



Patient: Nurse, may I have a glass of water?
Nurse: Are you thirsty?
Patient: No… I just wanted to check whether my throat leaks.

#17. An patient who recently had an amputation of the leg was asked by the CNA how he’s doing, he answered: “Well, it’s still missing.”


Resident: You’ve got to get me to this hospital right now.
Nurse: Why?
Resident: I’ve got the hemorrhoids and ooh do they ever bite… I had to quit horseback riding today.

#19. “Yeah, sure… I’ll sign up for that… what is this again? A brain transplant?”

#20. Patient was about to get his temperature using a rectal thermometer when he said in panic: “What?! I’m not gay!”

Source: reddit.com

What’s the funniest thing you heard your patient say? How did you respond?

Rozzette Cabrera is a registered nurse pursuing her childhood dream of becoming a professional writer. She spent a few years putting her profession into practice until she decided to take her chances with freelance writing over a year ago. Her life has never been the same since then.

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