20 Funny Things Patients Have Ever Said To Nurses

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Some patients aren’t always annoying. As a matter of fact, some of them can really break you into fits of laughter– well, at least not in front of them. Whether it’s about a medical procedure or their inherent fear of needles, here are some of the funniest patient statements we’ve compiled for you:

#1. A patient who was recovering from extraction of his wisdom tooth and still woozy from anesthesia spitted out the bloody gauze that was in his mouth. After a while, he started sobbing, saying “Was that my liver? Ohhhh noooo! Mmy liver! Oh no!”

#2. 

Me: “What’s the maintenance for this?”
Nurses: “What maintenance?”
Me: “Oh no, now I feel like a car!

#3. A 20-year-old man and his girlfriend came in at 2AM freaking out because “something had tore his throat open.” He seemed fine. After asking the patient what exactly is wrong, he answered: “I don’t feel it but look, IT’S RIGHT THERE!” He was referring to his uvula.

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#4. 

During a wisdom tooth extraction, a patient said to his doctor: “Charlatan! I demand you return my teeth! They are mine and I will choose where they are to be spent!”

#5. 

Nurse: Do you have any history of high blood pressure/hypertension?
Patient: Nope.
Nurse: (After seeing hypertensive medication on his bed) Do you take any medication at all?
Patient: Yeah, captopril.
Nurse: So, you are hypertensive!
Patient: Nope.
Nurse: But you’re taking hypertensive meds.
Patient: Well yeah, but I’m not hypertensive, the pills keep my pressure stable.

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#6.  “My daddy has thyroids, and I do, too.”

#7. The logic of a 3-year old pediatric patient. Kids say the darndest things! “I know the difference between boys and girls! Boys have a penis and girls have pajamas.”

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#8. In a hurried manner, my patient said: “Oh, I’m just so constipated! Please bring me some eye drops!”

#9. Said a bedridden little old lady to her nurse. “When the cat‘s away, the kitten will play”. *wink*

#10. “Can I pass gas out of my penis? Listen. I think I’m passing gas out my penis. Do you hear it?”

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Rozzette Cabrera is a registered nurse pursuing her childhood dream of becoming a professional writer. She spent a few years putting her profession into practice until she decided to take her chances with freelance writing over a year ago. Her life has never been the same since then.

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